Do you want fries with that…

About 8 years ago I was getting a little frustrated with our financial advisor (not the good one we have now – Todd Lansing at 40 West Financial) who seemed perplexed that we were planning to pay for our children's college education - or at least as much of that as we could afford.  In exasperation I responded after the 3rd or 4th probing into why would we want to delay our own retirement by doing this and I responded with...

"There's something about 'Do you want fries with that?' that I just don't want to hear from my kids mouths when they are 25."

Now there is nothing wrong with working in a fast food joint, giant retail stores, cleaning offices or hotel rooms, or any number of other low paying, and so called low skilled jobs.  These jobs exist because we need them to be done.  We call them low skill – but the truth is even with training, some of us with higher paying jobs would not be very good at them.  But the powerful info-graphic accessible from the link below shows the growing and often to many insurmountable problem we are running into in the United States.

Do You Want Fries With That?

We have a large group of people in the USA – mostly people who have somehow gained the benefit of some opportunity and more often than not, hard work, who think anyone who does not have what they have simply doesn’t deserve it for any number of reasons.  Most commonly I perceive that in their opinion these people who have “less” do so simple because they don’t work hard enough for it.  What a complete and utter pile of BS.  My wife makes less than a third of what I do, and she works every bit as hard.  Many of the parents of children in her school both work, both harder than she or I do holding down two or three jobs paying minimum wage or close to it, most not providing a full 40 hours and often no benefits, and all that just to maybe get paid what my wife alone does. 

Looking at the info-graphic we see for example that the average wage earned in the Accommodation and Food Services sector was in 2014 some $20,495.  This is the AVERAGE mind you – with almost two thirds of those working in this sector making less than twenty thousand a year.  Twenty thousand you say – well these are entry level jobs – they are for teenagers and such – they ought to be happy to gain the experience working so they can move up… except the average age of these people making on average $20K a year (the majority something less) is almost 33 years old.  I was married with two children when I was 33 years old!  I do hope for their sake that their big break into something better comes soon!!!

But that’s the problem – the something better jobs are harder and harder to find.  Even with the college degrees (one down, one in progress) there are no guarantees anymore.  Sure – you could maybe do better in the Retail Trade sector – they average just over $30K a year, although nearly half are still not even making $20K.  But these two sectors dominate the new jobs created – the ones our politicians and president like to crow about.  As someone was quoted during a previous administration that liked to brag on the job growth – “Yeah – I believe there have been so many new jobs created – I’ve had several of them!”

So we keep refusing to pay people a so called “living wage”.  What is that anyway – I guess I like to think of it as what the US fought so hard to get away from – or did it?  Heck we have debtors prisons and at less than $20K a year – indentured servant-hood might look good to many.  Here in Colorado, the average cost of a two bedroom apartment requires a 40 hours a week job paying nearly $20/hr to pay the rent and be considered affordable (affordable defined as no more than 30% of income).  This is almost the same as the national average.  Thank goodness some 22 “states” (of 52 including DC and Puerto Rico) require on average less that the $15/hr we fight so hard for and against.  Not much less generally – only two are less than $13/hr – and one of those is poverty stricken and near bankrupt Puerto Rico.  To put it a different way, to afford the average rent on a two bedroom apartment in all states at the prevailing minimum wage in that state you simply can’t get there at 40 hours a week.  In fact – you can’t even do it with one and a half jobs – unless again, you live in Puerto Rico.  In only 16 of the 52 “states” can you affordably rent an average two bedroom apartment with less than 2 full time minimum wage jobs.

You can check out the housing affordability at a web site published by the National Low Income Housing Coalition at:

Out of Reach 2015

What embarrasses me tremendously as a follower of Jesus is the damning picture painted in a particular graphic from the report on the Out of Reach site.  It shows the number of hours work per week at prevailing minimum wage for an average apartment to be affordable – and it highlights the states (*) where the prevailing minimum is higher than the federally mandated minimum (a generous according to some $7.25 per hour).  With a few exceptions, the states that have not mandated a minimum wage higher than the federal minimum are “the bible belt”.  Well done “Christians” in looking out for "the least of these".

Source: http://nlihc.org/oor

SHE was right... SHE is ALWAYS right :)

Yep – she was right… again…

 

So I do a little umpiring in the local high school (field) hockey competition.  I also wear glasses and being a man of a certain age, my most recent prescription are bifocals.  In general, I don’t rate them.  But for officiating a fast moving sporting event – they flat out don’t work.  I don’t have a current contact lens prescription – to be fair – I don’t rate them either.  But I do have a pair of prescription sunnies.  So although it is not recommended – people can’t see your eyes and know a) what you are looking at, and b) are missing some part of the whole nonverbal communication thing if you have to address one of them sternly – I don’t have much choice.  But Colorado being where it in on the globe, come late in the season, the low light levels kind of create yet another obvious problem. 

Serendipitously, it seems an old pair of glasses is at least as good as my current prescription – frankly this does not surprise me much – and any of you reading this know what I mean from those infrequent visits to the optometrist.

{click click click}  Is this better or {click click click} this.  {click click click} This, or {click click click] this…

Heck I don’t know – it all looks the same after 10-12 clicks…  You can either see or not see – the fine tuning I think is some sort of trickery designed to make you buy a new pair of glasses because there is now a slight adjustment to the last prescription.  So it seems hardly surprising that I’ve done a circle or something and ended up back where I was… TWENTY years ago.

But wait – there’s more!  When I got these older pair of glasses in 1996, I was an operations manager at a mine – so they are Safety Glasses – yeah baby – we are talking high fashion and style here!!!

But hey – problem solved – I now have a pair of glasses I can change to when the light dims – with no annoying bifocal element that makes your vision change in an out as you move suddenly to follow the play on the hockey pitch.

Problem is, they are actually better than my most recent prescription – there are no little halos around brighter objects and such.  So as my 51^st birthday looms we decide to do a couple of fun things.  Last night we went to an intimate acoustic performance with Jennifer Knapp – the halo effect was driving me nuts.  So this morning umpiring glasses no more – we are watching our little one playing hockey out in Tennessee via the magic of the internet and I try the old safety glasses – yeah – much better.  Tonight we had opted for a movie – the Steve Jobs movie .  We are heading out the door and there it was…

“You’re not wearing those are you???”

I used the flawed approach of a logical argument…

“I can see better in these?”

I answer with a question because you know there is an answer coming…

Sparing the lengthy conversation – suffice to say apparently they make me look old – and if I’m old, then…

But an important point here – Joy says the look like they are from the 1980’s. NO I say – I know exactly the vintage – they were 1996.  Yeah says she… but safety glasses back then were probably a decade behind in style.

Anyway – under protest – we go to the movie theater with me wearing my 1996 issue safety glasses.  Winning???

Here’s the rub… somewhere in the 1980’s segments of the movie, I’m looking at Steve Wozniak and realize I’m looking at him in pretty much the same style of glasses he is wearing.  Here's your sign...

(image credit - USA Today)

 

That’s really all I have to say about this – well that and I may be making an appointment at the wretched optometrist after I get back from Texas later this week.

{click click click}

Last night under my roof

I’ve largely avoided the emotions surrounding this day by not thinking deeply about it.  But now it is here and all those emotions that have been surprisingly well suppressed are erupting at the most inconvenient of times.

My roof was a somewhat expansive concept – it was in fact a very comfortable suite at a Memphis hotel which allowed me to start this while Jilly slept in the adjacent bedroom.  For nearly eighteen years the roof over her head has been my roof – or to be more complete, our roof – the home Joy and I have made for our family.  But today Jilly moves on and becomes a college student, and will spend her first night in her new home – her first and very sweetly decorated (and of course impeccably organized) dorm room at college in Memphis.  Oh she will come home again of course – but nothing will ever be quite the same, and not should it be.

Life is full of circles.  Last week, I had the delight of spending a night at Mallory’s first apartment.  Three years ago under equally strained emotions I wrote about her departure for college.  { I set all my regrets on fire }  Jilly actually got to spend a couple of nights with Mallory a week earlier, road tripping down to Albuquerque with one of her best friends from high school.  They had breakfast on last morning of the visit – just the two of them.  I asked Mallory while enjoying breakfast with her at a quaint little café downtown on Gold Street a few days later what advice she offered her little sister.  Apparently it mostly revolved around clothes and shoes needed for enjoying college – well of course it did… 


Mallory’s apartment by the way is artfully decorated – and surprisingly organized – necessity it seems is the mother of reinvention :)

The weekend in Memphis was busy, which was probably for the best.  Shopping, carrying all sorts of good and chattels up to a remarkably transformed dorm room, unpacking and arranging, more shopping, dining – oh my – the dining, rearranging.  And then Sunday night came and Joy had to return home to her first day of class for the year.  We got through that – it was rough – and Jilly and I continued on with the shopping, more delightful eating and more rearranging.  And finally back to our hotel room – my roof – for one last night.

 

Jilly awoke fairly early – we still a lot to do.  We had a few moments to get through – momma was gone.  But then the business of the day engulfed us.  And perhaps that was a good thing.  Packing up our room, then lunch at another great spot – The Beauty Shop – just like it sounds – a former beauty parlor transformed into a quaint little restaurant in a part of town that still holds fond memories of my first visit to Memphis.  More room arranging, a welcome event with the field hockey team who have already made us feel so much a part of a new family, changing out the rental car, dinner at another interesting find – Hog and Hominy, dessert (a huge slice of homemade pecan pie) back at One and Only, the great BBQ joint we all ate at earlier in the weekend, and then finally because there was really no longer any avoiding it – one last trip back to the dorm together.

How do you wrap almost eighteen years of love, laughter, tears, joy, silly moments, disappointments, incredible accomplishments, fun, and just being a father and a daughter into a fifteen minute trip?  The simple truth is you can’t.  And while we will get to experience all of these things again, this is a watershed moment (in more ways that one).  I was going to leave and she was going to spend her first night away from our home in a place that is going to become her new home for the next several years.  There were a few moments in the car as the inevitability of the few plays left us that evening started to hit home to Jilly.  I was able to head that off by joking that if I was going to be able to drive this was not going to work at all and she laughed a little.  Time is relentless…

 

Her dorm room was now quite a contrast – her part of the room as I mentioned was sweetly decorated softening somehow the fierce need for order.  But her roommate would not be arriving for another three days along with the rest of the freshman class.  That area was kind of sterile and uninviting - empty shelves, an untouched desk and perhaps worst of all, a bare mattress.  Being a fall sport athlete gives you the benefit of checking in early and avoiding the chaos we experienced at a much larger university on Mallory’s first day as thousands of others all try and find a close park and flood the stairs and footpaths with endless trips carrying your life for the next year. But as a freshman, that earlier serenity was now transformed into almost eerie silence in the sparsely populated dorms.  We had met the RA for her floor as we walked to her room.  She seemed nice. 

We hung out a little more – I had put off taking care of some important matters – posting my beer explorations in Memphis.  Jilly let me read cards from her momma and big sister.  Recent experience of college life yielded some great pearls of wisdom…

shots are nasty

beer is nasty

perhaps more importantly – people change a lot in college – don’t judge them too soon

and her closing advice – wine is yummy

And then it was time to go.  It was late and I still had a three hour drive ahead of me to an unknown hotel in which I had yet to make a reservation – the late departure meant that it would be in Nashville as I journeyed up to Lexington for meetings the next day.  We held each other for what seemed like an eternity and yet still not long enough.  And of course there were tears – those hot burning tears that come from a deep place within. 

I walked down the stairs alone, fished a box of tissues liberated from the hotel from my bag, and drove away.  I was pleasantly surprised that I was able to get it together pretty much right away.  I don’t know what part of me wanted to believe that doing this a second time around was going to be easier – but finally past experience was paying off!  The rental car had as most do now a blue tooth phone setup and I had various conversations – with momma, with Mallory, and with Jilly.  I was glad she seemed OK – it made the gulf between us expanding at a mile a minute more bearable.  She had updated her calendar with as much of her fall schedule as she knew (of course she did) and taken care of a few other things.  Hockey pre-season activity started early the next morning.  I was glad – perhaps not as glad as Jilly was that she would have plenty to do in the coming days.

Wrapping this up after a few days, and as expected, things settle down and life goes on.  There are good days, and some days are still hard.  As I said earlier, nothing will ever be quite the same, and not should it be – new patterns emerge. 

Mallory writes.  She writes both powerfully and beautifully.  Her words convey great depths of feeling and emotion and impact people intensely.  I don’t know if Jilly writes.  If she does, she does not share it in the same way.  Our girls are so amazingly different, and that is amongst other things, refreshing.  Jilly as her momma says is an incredibly private person.  Jilly takes emotive photographs.  Mallory wrote – posted I think the evening before her last night under my roof something mashed together from the lyrics of a Taylor Swift song (of course she did)…

In this moment now, capture it, remember it. You pull me in and I'm a little more brave, you take my hand and drag me headfirst, fearless.

Last night in Colorado ♥

Mallory was also insightful in her words to her little sister – people change a lot in college. I think for me this is the hard part.  And it not that the changes will be substantial, although I suppose that is not out of the question – both girls are well grounded.  It is more that unlike the past eighteen years we will not get to see it happening day by day.  But that makes the catching up when we do come together again all the more fun.  We’ve given them roots – and now we’ve given them wings.  We hope they will soar, but now it is so much more up to them.

I’ve probably said more than I should and of the few people who may read this, even fewer may make it to this point.  I’ll use the words of another to look forward to whatever it is that lays ahead as Jilly expands her horizons under her new roof.

The rules break like a thermometer,

quicksilver spills across the charted systems,

we’re out in a country that has no language

no laws, we’re chasing the raven and the wren

through gorges unexplored since dawn

whatever we do together is pure invention

the maps they gave us were out of date

by years…

~Adrienne Rich

 

 

The End and the Beginning

This morning I took Jilly to school – for the last time.  This was something I had done so many times, but not so much recently as with growing up comes independence in the form of a drivers license.  But today – graduation day – with Mallory home and guests staying for the celebrations – we needed all available cars.  So I drove her to school.  I pulled up at the best spot – she hopped out and away she went.

It is late and we have had a wonderful evening of immediate family and a few of our closest friends.  A small intimate gathering of 40 or so – 40 is intimate in our family.  But that is how Jilly has always been – private, quiet, deeply connected with a small circle of friends.  So while there is so much I could say – it seems that what I shared with her earlier on a card should suffice to set out my thoughts on the matter.

 

Mallory asked before the ceremonies started this morning if I would cry.  I said I didn’t know, but I did not.  It was a delightful ceremony and full of joy, happiness and no small amount of pride in your achievements and success.

Writing this is a little harder!

Suffice to say, you are and always will be our baby girl.  Yet you have blossomed into a young lady and are also now a high school graduate. You have earned and deserve all the accolades that come along with that.  Dr. Davis used a word as you received your diploma that I think sums you up perfectly – TENACIOUS!  I don’t think he used that word in his descriptions of any other. 

You seize the opportunities provided and make the most of them.  You are an incredibly hard worker, but are also a loyal friend.  Your organizational abilities to balance all you do in your scholastic endeavors, your social time with your friends, your beloved hockey, and your other activities including choir and helping others less fortunate constantly amaze me.

We have been truly fortunate to raise two beautiful, talented, hardworking and strong daughters.  YOU have found your voice and you are looking forward to the path YOU are charting.  We look forward to so many more great things ahead of you.

 
A thought as you go on…

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

~Marianne Williamson

From a Father of Girls - International Women’s Day 2015

A good friend of mine who writes both better and more than I do to a much wider audience decided that something she said a few years ago on this subject was worth recycling.  And she was right – you should read it now – even if you happened to have read it two years ago.

10 reasons i am an advocate for women’s equality (Kathy Escobar)

So I figured if recycling is good enough for Kathy, well it certainly works for me.  I’ve written from time to time about the struggles and triumphs of my daughters in various ways, but two posts came to mind that seemed fitting in some way to mark International Women’s Day..

The first was written some three years ago now:

Permission to Date My Daughter...

A couple of points I’d like to emphasize with reflection after the passing of some years.
 

"I am proud of the young women my daughters are becoming.  They are largely confident in who they are and generally are not afraid to be who they are.  Their strength of character humbles me.  This has been true of my eldest for a good many years, but the younger quieter one is starting to blossom and the same strength of character is evident.  And of course I am biased but they are not just beautiful people in who they are; they are attractively beautiful as well."

Too right I’m proud – they continue to amaze me with their drive, their strength and poise, and their positive impact on others, to mention just a few of their quality character traits.  Our little one especially continues to grow in confidence and strength and indeed has found her own voice – something we hoped for and are glad of.  What a difference three years has made!  But more than that…

"At the end of the day, my daughters have to be responsible for their own choices and I want them to feel like they are free to make whatever choices seem right to them.  I can’t lock them away and guard the door with a gun – and I won’t.  Nor can I hover over them physically at all times to protect them from harm.  I want them to be women of integrity and character.  I want them to be strong enough in them own beliefs and convictions to stand up, make a difference in this world, and be noticed and valued for who they are and what they do, not just what they look like."

This to me – at least as the father of girls in part embodies what a day commemorating women is about – that they, just like men, that all of us really – would be noticed and valued for who they are and what they do, not just what they look like.

Somewhere around this same commemoration last year I somewhat coincidentally wrote a post:

We All Should be Feminists...

I think looking back at the evolution of that post, it started our almost coming from the quote in my much older post above – the continuing saga of girls needing to be something other than they are because boys and men can’t control themselves if they don’t cover themselves up.  And the worst of some of this nonsense comes from the church.  To borrow from Kathy’s post linked above as to why she is pro-woman, pro-equality, pro-liberation-of-half-the-population: 

“i think Jesus was.  every interaction Jesus had with women was to set them free and lift their burdens of bondage.  and he said we were supposed to be like him.  i don’t know why the church built on his name has done the exact opposite; it still baffles me.”

Yep – I really don’t know why either – and all I can say is I’m sorry – if we as a church put half the effort into looking after those who need help - the hungry, the poor, the abused, the enslaved, the marginalized – as we do into worrying about nonsense like leggings and swimsuits – what a wonderful world it could be.

But I’d like to circle back on a couple of quotes in that post from Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, an amazing woman I heard speaking on the radio – I can’t add much to them but I think they are worth reflecting on and in a way, they kind of build from some of my thoughts in the older post.

“We raise girls to see each other as competitors, not for jobs, or for accomplishments — which I think can be a good thing — but for the attention of men.”, and

“Now, marriage can be a good thing. It can be a source of joy and love and mutual support, but why do we teach girls to aspire to marriage and we don’t teach boys the same?”

I still wonder as I did a year ago, whether if this were not the case, and it very much is that we do not teach boys to aspire to marriage, whether the failure rate of marriage would be much lower?  Perhaps more than that – would the value that comes with that lead to less violence against women and less abusive relationships, whether marriage is involved or not.

So circling back to my little one in particular as she has become an accomplished athlete and may choose to go on to play at college level yet has the maturity to not let that define her.  Really the spirit of this quote from Mia Hamm can apply so much more broadly to successful endeavor in any area of passion, and so to both my girls I close with

“Somewhere behind the athlete you've become and the hours of practice and the coaches who have pushed you is a little girl who fell in love with the game and never looked back... play for her.”

~ Mia Hamm