Fireworks

the rumbles of fireworks draw me

outside

hoping for a glimpse and yet

colors tinged with a slight sadness

summer fades as the bright colors

falling from the sky like leaves from the trees

and then darkness, silence

the peaks already dusted with snow

winter comes…

I set all my regrets on fire

In this moment now, capture it, remember it. You pull me in and I'm a little more brave, you take my hand and drag me headfirst, fearless.

Last night in Colorado ♥

Mallory / Taylor Swift

Music and Mallory have always seemed intertwined, so perhaps it was fitting that as we pulled into the parking lot at the airport this morning, this song and these particular lyrics were playing…

We are young

So let’s set the world on fire

We can burn brighter than the sun

Fun

Fitting indeed that the next chapter of what has already been an amazing life would be in New Mexico, “The Land of Enchantment”, whose state symbol is the Zia, symbolic to some of the original pueblo people as the sun.

Mallory’s last blog post (if that’s what you do on Tumblr) started with this quote

“The wild passion of letting yourself be transported by wind, by burning heat and by cold space… The pleasure of being anonymous, of being quiet for a long time, of existing in no place at all… The pleasure of leaving, of being far away, of being missing… The subtle pleasures of erasing the presence of your body, your words and your shadow, of counting for nothing, of hiding yourself, of becoming so light that you fly away…” Michel Sierres

I encourage you to read the whole thing (post titled “Now Boarding”) – and a lot of here other thoughts as well at

Now Boarding

In essence though, Mallory writes about the excitement she finds in airports, as much as anything because of the anticipation they hold – the promise of things to come.  Fitting too then that the quote she has chosen to reflect herself on Tumblr is from Henry David Thoreau;

We must learn to reawaken and keep ourselves awake, not by mechanical aids, but by an infinite expectation of the dawn

Today is hard.  I suppose I always knew it would be.  It was not something I was dreading and this past week – the culmination of a years of “lasts” has almost seemed anticlimactic.  Indeed, that Mallory is so ready for this is certainly helping a lot.  But bittersweet is just that.  Today is hard!

In the movie Saving Private Ryan, an elderly Ryan talking at the headstone of the leader of a group of soldiers who sacrificed his life as a young soldier getting Ryan out of the battlefield,

I tried to live my life the best that I could. I hope that was enough. I hope that, at least in your eyes, I've earned what all of you have done for me.

This and then the question he asks his wife,

Tell me I have led a good life.   …   Tell me I'm a good man.

have always been to me a question I always want to feel I am on the right side of – in effect – have I made a positive difference – did I do more good than harm…

Today we pass a milestone where in part I find out.  Mallory will always be my little girl, and I will always be her papa, but the formative days are largely done.  So largely I am find peace in the fact that Mallory will shine, continue to shine really.  Whatever small or large part I have had her doing that and becoming the beautiful young woman she is brings comfort to my soul.  As I said in a short speech I made at her Sweet 16 celebration not all that long ago when reflecting on the notion that our children are mirrors, reflecting the best and worst of our character, that with Mallory, sometimes I fear as a parent I may get too much credit and my many failings are obscured. 

It Goes by in a Flash

I am indeed, a fortunate father.

Don’t Let There be a Hole in the World Tomorrow

It’s a new day in Colorado.  

Yesterday was in many ways a crummy day – which is not meant to be an understatement, but it was one of those handful of days in my mind where the disquiet in my soul was just something I couldn’t easily find a way out of.  But even a day such as yesterday where I was jolted into the early morning with the endless media coverage of the terrible massacre at the movie theater in nearby Aurora in place of the morning news and weather there were some great things in my life.  Dinner with my younger daughter at the restaurant my oldest was working, and then picking up the older one after what was her last shift before heading off to college and going for dessert were not only enjoyable as normal, they were pleasurable diversions from reality. 

It’s a new day in Colorado.  

But what is that reality?  I have received a number of messages from friends as it appears are many others who live here in Colorado.  I will no doubt hear all about it from my father later tonight when I call home to Australia.  How can we choose to live here with all this pointless violence seemingly endlessly going on?  Another expat friend of mine (from Europe) was talking to me yesterday and fielding these same questions from home, to which he had replied, “it can happen anywhere – even in supposedly safe places like Norway”.  I’m glad in a way it didn’t cross my mind not to go about the normal sorts of things we do as a family last night, but I completely understand that for some people, that was not possible.  It did not really occur to me at all in some ways that what was “normal” had been disturbed until as we were driving home from dessert and past a theater, there were several police cars parked outside.  Then the reality hits – just as it did after 9/11 for example – the world is not the same… Certainly not here in Colorado and probably not in many other places either.

It’s a new day in Colorado.  

So what of today… This morning as usual, I was the first up and pottering about the house.  In time, my girls roused themselves and surprisingly at the appointed time, we left to grab breakfast at one of our favorite haunts.  Then they set off into town – on their own.  I thought about that driving home from the restaurant – life goes on – life needs to go on.  In three weeks my oldest will leave home for college – life goes on.  And yet the doubts can get to you.  Yesterday got to me.  In theory I suppose, my faith should shield me from that.  I’m OK that it does not completely – I’m also grateful that it helps tremendously.  It is odd nonetheless that my oldest has set off on her own (without her parents – obviously not completely on her own) to places like South East Asia, Haiti and most recently, the Dominican Republic and I am completely at peace with that.  But the next time she goes to the midnight premiere of a movie, I will probably have some discomfort.  Life was not always comfortable before yesterday.  Life will go on…

It’s a new day in Colorado.  

Just over a year ago, we as a family, along with some close friends experienced a riot.  We were in Vancouver – another safe place – trust me – if you’ve never been to Canada – its safe – they are sooooo nice!  I go there a lot and it’s nice – I take my family and friends – and what do you know – a hockey game ends badly for the home team and a riot breaks out.  OK, it wasn’t just any hockey game, it was the deciding game 7 of the Stanley cup finals – not convinced – never mind – it is a big deal in Canada.  But the point of all that is not so much the riot, but the amazing outpouring of sadness mixed with hope in the city the next day.  There was a spirit in that outpouring that said “this was not us” and I think that is where we are today in Colorado.  I am glad my children saw the response the day after. 

It’s a new day in Colorado.  

The lives of the families and friends of the 12 people who have tragically lost their lives are forever altered by the events of last night.  The lives of the families and friends of over 50 or so others who were wounded, several of whom are in critical condition are probably in some way, forever altered by the events of last night.  Similarly, the terror for many others, even if they were physically unharmed, some perhaps who were not even in the theater will for a long time, maybe even forever, alter their lives.  And I suspect that no matter what they have seen, the responders on the scene and the trauma staff in the hospitals are affected.  One of my few other life jolting days was the first (and thankfully only) time I was a first responder at an accident which resulted in a fatality – I can’t begin to imagine what it is like on a scene like that.  I have no words for these people, no explanations either, but the events that transpired yesterday in Colorado are not the norm at all.  We will not have boards to write our response to this tragedy on, but I do hope to attend a gathering somewhere today or tomorrow and along with sharing in the sorrow of those who have lost so much, stand in solidarity with other in declaring in one voice, “this is not us”!  

It’s a new day in Colorado.  

Yesterday in the Denver area alone (based on recent statistical averages), close to 200 children were born.  It follows that today; another 200 odd followed them into the world, and tomorrow there will be more.  We have a choice about the world they come into, the world they will grow up in.  The title of this blog is from a recent Eagles song, penned as I understand in response to 9/11 and while the band were delayed recording an album due to that tragedy.  This song rattled around in my head yesterday – I suppose I was not unique in that.  I hope the web-link lasts (one never knows with these things on the internet) as Don Henley actually talks a little about the events leading up to it.  But if not, then I’ve included the lyrics below.  Yes – yesterday there was a hole in the world.  Today is a new day – and while that does not mean something like this will never happen again (although I hope and pray that it does not), I will move forward in my life, believing that forgiveness and love has the capacity to overcome fear and evil.

Concerning that, I guess it is oddly coincidental that I shared the following quotes from acquaintances I’ve connected with over the past year or so with another friend on Thursday - they remain true today - and perhaps have a stronger hold on me...

“God does have a way of combating evil. It’s not punishment and it’s not retaliation, fear or anger. It’s forgiveness. Forgiveness is God’s way of combating evil” - Nadia Bolz-Weber

“Love doesn't need to win because it is not competing with hate. It already won at Calvary. We are here to simply let the world know that.” - Jeremy Ritch

In Vancouver, they now have a museum type exhibit with some of the boards saved after the shop windows were replaced so people will remember, and perhaps choose to act better in the future.  What we will remember will largely be in our hearts – but it will be even more important in choosing how we live tomorrow.

Hole in the World

 

There's a hole in the world tonight.

There's a Cloud of fear and sorrow.

There's a hole in the world tonight.

Don't let there be a hole in the world tomorrow.

They say that anger is just love disappointed.

They say that love is just a state of mind,

But all this fighting over who will be anointed.

Oh how can people be so blind.

There's a hole in the world tonight.

There's a Cloud of fear and sorrow.

There's a hole in the world tonight.

Don't let there be a hole in the world tomorrow.

Oh they tell me there's a place over yonder,

Cool water running through the burning sand,

Until we learn to love one another

We will never reach the promise land.

There's a hole in the world tonight.

There's a Cloud of fear and sorrow.

There's a hole in the world tonight.

Don't let there be a hole in the world tomorrow.

Don Henley and Glenn Frey

The Last Time You Pick Up Your Child

I get a daily email from “All Pro Dad”.  I signed up for this after reading Tony Dungy’s book on vacation a little over two years ago.  I started blogging that same vacation, but I doubt the two are connected.  The title of this blog was the title of their email yesterday with the following short thought:

If you stop and think about it, there will come a day when you will pick up your young child for the last time. And you won’t even know it.  But, soon in the future, they’ll be too big for you to lift.  So if you have young children, pick them up often.  Hug them.  Kiss them.  Savor it all.  These days will be gone before you know it. 

I don’t necessarily agree with all their thoughts, ideas or suggestions, but that’s hardly the point of this blog.  It struck me as more of an interesting coincidence that I had checked in earlier in the morning on Facebook from the Denver Diner where I was about to have breakfast with Mallory, our oldest.  It occurred to me as I posted that this might be the last of so many regular breakfast dates we have had at least monthly over many years before school (and separately also with Jillian, our youngest).  

It has evolved over time – when they were little, it was more of a weekend thing where I would take them to McDonalds which served a double purpose of hanging out with them and letting their mother sleep in (one of her favorite things).  Yes – even though I loathe McDonalds – it is hard to beat their playland for the little ones.  Initially I remember doing this with a work colleague Bob and his daughter Kat.  

As Jillian grew, and probably somewhat coincidentally about the time we moved to Australia when Jillian was three, it would mostly be with the two of them together.  Occasionally but probably not often before we left Australia, we started doing it on a school morning.  Since returning to Colorado 5+ years ago, it has been a regular planned date before school, each of them on their own, and at least once a month.  It has been important to me to make this time with my girls.  

So two weeks from today, Mallory will be done with high school and it is off to college.  We will probably continue to have our breakfast dates, but it is going to be evolving again.  So when I read this email from All Pro Dad, it struck me kind of hard.  We have enjoyed these dates.  Yesterday was no different – we chatted about nothing of great significance.  We talked about finals, her friends who have been house-sitting with her this past week, plans for her mission trip to the Dominican Republic this summer, mother’s day gifts, the vacation we have planned after school is out, my next work trip, her work schedule, plans for the weekend, the Denver Nuggets and so on.  As I said; nothing of great significance but yet all so vitally important.  Not because world changing events will necessarily happen as a result, but because we spent time chatting, investing in each others lives.

And then we were done, I paid the bill, kissed her on the cheek, and she was gone…

UPDATE October 19, 2012

The events of the last week or so brought this post back to my mind.  And not as you might think if you know I live in Denver in the shadow of the terrible tragedy of the loss of 10 year old Jessica Ridgeway - I think I am still in the denial phase of some sort of grief response on that - there are simply no words...

No, these were closer to home, more personal.

One of my best friends lost his father to cancer last Friday.  We all knew this was inevitable and coming soon.  I have no idea how you are supposed to deal with these things, but his wife was up in the mountains earlier in the week for a few days helping as had many of the family with the care in least days.  So I figured I grab some scotch (well Stranahans whiskey - a fine local drop that reminds me more of scotch than bourbon), a couple of cigars, head on over and see how things go.  We enjoyed a shot or two of scotch, but passed on the cigars this particular evening.  We talked about everything - an we talked about nothing.  Perhaps the discussion that got me the most was about the fishing trips to Willis Lake.  My friend now takes his "boys" (most are sons in law) up there say every other year - but when he was a boy, he, his brothers and his dad went every year - from 1955 to 1992.  He said thinking about things made this year's trip hard.  I went up to the mountains and attended the funeral yesterday.  It was a beautiful fall day - even the somewhat gusty winds couldn't take away the majesty that are the mountains of Colorado.  I stayed into the late hours of the afternoon getting to know more of his family that I had not met before (his is as large as Joy's - one of 8 kids if that helps those who don't know us as well) and allowing myself the communion of one beer at the wake before hitting the road home.  I am glad for friends like this and the mutual investment in each others lives and families that in this case now spans 16 years.

    (not my photo - credit to a guy named Steve)

The other event is less about investing in lives.  Mallory came home for fall break later in the week.  I picked her up from the airport and we went to "Grammies" for breakfast of scrumptious made from scratch (literally - this woman probably ground the flour) waffles and crab apple sauce (from trees in the front yard).  Then after dropping me at work, she headed off to start a fabulous weekend of catching up with friends.  And it was so great to have all those girls enjoying time together including a sleepover in our house again.  What I was not expecting though in the passage of this fun filled weekend was a call from one of those friends a few hours into her first day back saying they had been in an accident.  Some guy from out of town and looking at his GPS apparently veered hard into their lane shoving them off the road and into a substantial concrete median strip.  Both airbags had popped and Mallory was receiving medical attention - her arm hurt.  Fortunately both Mallory and her friend were wearing seat belts, and the sore arm was little more than a memory the next day.  They say lucks a fortune... I spent over $1,200 on that car the day before.  The car will almost certainly be a write off but Mallory and her friend (we joke her friends are like adopted daughters) are totally OK.  I'll take that outcome any day... but it does remind you "Hug them.  Kiss them.  Savor it all." 

Oh - and it also provided a valuable life lesson on why a scooter while very cute might not be such a great idea :)

Musings on Good Friday...

I was all out of sorts this morning, which was more than a little disturbing.  It was not because my wife and older daughter were heading to Chicago for a girls getaway – I will miss them – but I’m going to have a lot of fun hanging out with just my younger daughter.  It was because I didn’t have to go to work.  Although Good Friday is not all that widespread a holiday in the USA (which seems an odd if not ironic contrast to my upbringing in much more unchurched Australia), this year, we were graciously given the day off.  Have I become that dependent on work?  Am I a workaholic?  Scary stuff…

Anyway, I got over that quick enough and have been pottering around the house taking care of this and that.  This post is an expansion of some of the quotes I have favorited away on Facebook/Twitter from various friends.  I posted them on my Facebook page and re-tweeted them as a #gf rather than #ff as I mused on what Good Friday is all about.  In this post, along with the quote, I may – or may not depending on my mood, explain why the quote meant something to me.

“Personally, I don't have the guts to follow Jesus, so I often settle for being a Christian.”

unknown, via Brandon Mouser

So if you saw my original list on Facebook it is obvious I am reordering it.  There is probably no particular significance to the order in either – it just appeals to my sense of chaos.  Brandon is a neat young man introduced to me through the roots that have me writing under the Monica “Ruined for Life”.  He is the son-in-law of an amazing couple, Ron and Nancy Thaxton who have loved, challenged, cared and pastored my wife and I since the early days of our marriage nearly 20 years ago in West Virginia.  I’m pretty sure Brandon said this, but claimed to be quoting an unknown source.  It sounds like he would have something the guts to say though so that fact it resonated with him is not surprising.  I suspect for many of us willing to be honest about our faith, this could resonate equally strongly.  Today of all days, I am reminded of the gap between the Jesus who is, and the person I am.  That is why I am leading with this quote.

“Love is not a victory march. It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah”

Leonard Cohen ( via Jodi-Renee Adams)

Have always loved this song – and I am simply unable to express why there is something in this statement that resonates so strongly in me with Good Friday.  So what I will say is that I think one of my favorite renditions of it was KD Lang at the 2010 winter Olympics opening ceremony in Vancouver.  I suspect I would enjoy hearing Jodi sing is also.

SUPERGROUP!

“God doesn't love you because God loves everyone. God loves you because God loves you.”

Khad Young

“God doesn't want something from us. He simply wants us.” - CS Lewis

“There was never a time when God was not in love.”

Brennan Manning (via Mary Kathryn Tyson)

“No matter what ANYONE says; you are worthy! God loves you. No matter how shitty we've been.”

Jon Hedgecorth

“God is closer than we are to ourselves: nothing is more intimate than God's love.”

Henri Nouwen

“God is not in love with a future version of us... He loves us right where we are today.”

Billy Lloyd

I would not want you to think from my earlier comment on the gap between the Jesus who is, and the person I am that I am I see myself as some hopeless wretch.  I would also not want you to think I think more highly of myself than I ought.  But this to me is central to the events we mark this day.  I hear often that “God loves us more than we could ever deserve”.  I get the point, but I’m not sure it’s great theology.

In a recent discussion sparked by Frank Paul Green, adjunct faculty at George Fox Seminary, Franks opening discussion on this notion included the point that

“"God so loved the world" is the greatest statement concerning value, significance and worthiness. To suggest otherwise would be an oxymoron ... a self-contradiction.”

My response to this is that I think at its narrowest, I had to ask myself this - if I do not deserve God's love, then how do my children deserve mine?  The later question is of course preposterous - and recognizing that the world is imperfect and sadly, even tragically for some, this idea that I do not deserve my parents love has been a cruel reality, I think for many, perhaps most, the idea framed in this way would suggest what I deserve has nothing to do with whether OR how much God loves me.

I’m not a theologian so all of this needs to be taken with a grain of salt, but to extend the argument further, if God loves me more than I deserve, how is that just.  If God is not just, is he God at all?  Pretty soon we are getting into the really murky waters that even trained theologians fear to tread.  And so to my next quote…

“Every time theologians tell us what God can and cannot do, is or is not, they create an idol – an impression of an aspect of God that they can understand because it has limits. But God has no such limits.”

Neil Christopher

and related to this…

"Never think you need to protect God. Anytime you think you need to protect God, you can be sure that you are worshiping an idol." - Hauerwas

Simply this – I have no idea why Jesus did what he did?  It seems like the most extravagant gesture.  Was it really because he loved me; the singular me; that much, in spite of the presumption that I don’t deserve it?  I really don’t know.  But I will say this.  I really don’t believe the central purpose of Jesus coming to earth was to die for our collective or my personal sin.  He came to restore relationship with all of us – all with no exceptions – because of this unfathomable (and if it must be so to you, undeserved) love.  The cross was how he achieved this purpose – not the point or the purpose itself. 

GAMECHANGERS

“Love doesn't need to win because it is not competing with hate. It already won at Calvary. We are here to simply let the world know that.”

Jeremy Ritch

“God does have a way of combating evil. It’s not punishment and it’s not retaliation, fear or anger. It’s forgiveness. Forgiveness is God’s way of combating evil.”

Nadia Bolz-Weber

WOW!  Just let these soak in –let them stir your soul and you figure it out. 

DOUBLING BACK

“I didn’t go to religion to be happy. If you want a religion to make you feel really comfortable, I don’t recommend Christianity.”
CS Lewis

“Kinda over Christianity but I love Jesus.”
Rebecca Bec Cranford-Smith

You think there was any way to order these quotes!?!  In truth, they are an incredibly interwoven mass of ideas in my mind, and that’s just fine with me.  Sorry if none of this makes any sense to you – but I’m guessing if it was too crazy, you wouldn’t still be reading…  Doubling back then simply to say that these have close ties to my opening gambit; that I don't have the guts to follow Jesus, so I often settle for being a Christian.  Carry on…

(Oh – and I may be the first person to quote Bec as “Cranford-Smith” – congrats Bec J )

“Life is short and fragile. Love wastefully.” - Crystal Lewis

How much simpler could you emulate Good Friday than this…

“What if when Jesus said, "do good to those that oppose you & spitefully abuse you" he meant... do good to those that oppose you & abuse you?”

John Jensen

An object lesson – we say stuff like this, but we do the opposite.  Our own misplaced sense of our rights has us constantly at odds with people with whom we disagree, who disagree with us, or whom we just plain cannot stand.  Jesus spoke of a different way, and his actions on this day showed he meant it.  Sometimes it’s so much easier to settle for being a Christian…

“Soon we must all face the choice between doing what is right and what is easy.”

Albous Dumbledour / JK Rowling

When I watched Mel Gibson’s The Passion of the Christ (something I have only done in whole once), I was struck whether intentionally by the moviemakers take on things or not during the carrying of the cross that as much as Jesus may have been tempted in his 40 day sojourn at the beginning of his ministry, perhaps it paled compared to the temptation he must have felt at this point.  Got nothing to back it up – just a thought…

“God's care for humanity was so great that he sent his unique Son among us, so that those who count on him might not lead a futile and failing existence, but have the undying life of God Himself.”

John 3:16 Dallas Willard translation

Thank you!

And now someone else words in song
Beautiful Scandalous Night

Permission to Date My Daughter

Now I’m not saying the “Permission to Date My Daughter” form a friend recently posted on my Facebook wall isn’t funny – because it is.  But here’s the thing.

A good friend of mine who also has a beautiful daughter probably somewhere in age between my two treasures recently posted the thought

“Please God blind the eyes of those high school boys today. May they not see Tori's beauty like we do.”

Now as the dad of two beautiful girls, and having been a teenage / high-school boy, I totally get this.  But my response to her post was not some tongue in cheek throwaway line. – but a deep, heartfelt and genuine desire.

“Maybe they should see her as you do - that might be a fundamental change for good?”

And I really believe and yearn for this.  I’m not going to hold my breath waiting for it to happen – after all, hormones are a tricky thing and when so many messages teenage boys and those of us of the same species but of more years get in the press, TV entertainment, movies, music videos and so on lean toward making women objects of sexual desire, you realize that this requires a huge shift in our culture.  But could it happen.  I guess I like to look for the good in people, so I would like to start from the point of view that it could.

I don’t have a lot of answers, but here are some selfish reasons for why a change of this nature would be great.

I am proud of the young women my daughters are becoming.  They are largely confident in who they are and generally are not afraid to be who they are.  Their strength of character humbles me.  This has been true of my eldest for a good many years, but the younger quieter one is starting to blossom and the same strength of character is evident.  And of course I am biased but they are not just beautiful people in who they are; they are attractively beautiful as well.

So why the heck should they have to dress like someone from Little House on the Prairie to not be seen and objectified by boys or men in a lascivious or somehow degrading way?  I really don’t have a good answer for that.  I mean when I was a teenager come university student, my mother’s main concern was whether I had bathed – not what I was wearing – and I think my dad just hoped I’d be wearing shoes (yes some fashion faux pas go back a ways).  We seem to pay a lot more attention to what girls are wearing and what that says about them than we do to boys.  How we (both sexes) look certainly tends to create a filter in how we are heard, but I think those filters are very different also for boys and girls.

I’m not saying I don’t think perhaps some girls behave in overly sexualized ways – after all, going back to what the boys are seeing in various media forms, the girls are seeing the same stuff, and they have hormones too.  Now I’m claiming here to understand the mind of teenage girls - trying to coach them at field hockey for 20+ years and now having a house full of them has taught me I do NOT.  But something is driving that behavior also – hormones, the images that become soaked into their brains – maybe they are just looking for attention and there is a long list of reasons – many starting with fathers as to why that might be.  So how you want to look is one thing – how you look coupled with how you choose to act could see two girls who are dressed somewhat the same at opposite ends of the spectrum when it comes to who they are and what message they are sending.  But even then, even if a girl is behaving inappropriately, where does that make it right for boys to respond inappropriately.

I also don’t want my daughters to have to apply different filters to what they believe and say.  This is not intended to be in any way political, but the recent ridiculous carrying on by Rush Limbaugh over a courageous young lady talking about birth control is perhaps a recent and telling example of the double standards that exist between boys and girls – and it doesn’t stop when the grow up to become men and women.  If a boy talks about birth control, he is probably doing what boys do, but thank goodness he is being responsible about it???  But a girl who says something on the subject is potentially a “slut”.  This is completely unacceptable.  There have been other recent lower profile events that have really jumped at me also with female writers and pastors whose message is questioned not for what it is saying but because a woman is saying it.  I would hope such cowardly attacks would not deter my girls from speaking out on something that was important to them, but the reality is even if it does not affect them, it will affect some.

At the end of the day, my daughters have to be responsible for their own choices and I want them to feel like they are free to make whatever choices seem right to them.  I can’t lock them away and guard the door with a gun – and I won’t.  Nor can I hover over them physically at all times to protect them from harm.  I want them to be women of integrity and character.  I want them to be strong enough in them own beliefs and convictions to stand up, make a difference in this world, and be noticed and valued for who they are and what they do, not just what they look like.

But I also know that no matter what befalls them, whether because of poor behavior of others or their own poor choices, that there is always a safe place at home – that no matter what they have done or has been done to them, they are loved unconditionally and I will be a source of comfort.  No ifs, ands or buts – UNCONDITIONALLY.  

I can’t remember the source on this article, but it was interesting that it popped up somewhere in the middle of the three weeks or so I’ve been mulling these thoughts.  Titled “The War On Women Begins With Girls” the link is:
 

The War on Women Begins with Girls

The article talks about a number of important elements, but perhaps this one jumped out at me:

“Listening paves the way for girls to discover what they want to say and the inner strength to say it.”

I don’t know that I always listen – or truly hear what my daughters are trying to say to me, but I try.  Sometimes it will be something profound, and others will just be “daddy I’m hurting and I need you to know that and be there for me”.  What is important is that they should never be afraid to speak because I won’t listen, or will only hear what I want to hear and rush to judgment.

But those are my issues.  If you want permission to date my daughters, you don’t need to fill out a form.  You don’t really even need my approval.  And here’s why.  If you are not a young man with character and integrity, my daughters have enough of both and enough confidence in who they are to see right through you.  If you are not going to value, respect and listen to them as equals, you will pretty soon find yourself looking for someone else to date.  I have absolute confidence that if you wouldn’t get my approval, you won’t get theirs either.  They will make good choices most of the time, and if they don’t, they will figure it out pretty quick and do something about it.  What I will be is there for them through the good times and the bad.

Update: August 2012
Wow - tough yet comforting to read this again - maybe I should read again most of what I write - but I'm happy with this.  I'm especially comforted that what I said of my girls is not only still true, but even more so, especially with the older one now off "on her own" at college.  But I didn't come here to tell you that - I came to share some other links courtesy of a post on FaceBook today that attracted some other dads to share what they have written on related subjects.

I met Kevin at a gathering of church misfits almost two years ago.  This is the first but certainly not the last blog of his I will read.  I guess I never thought of myself as a feminist, but I'm not afraid of the idea either...

Feminist Dad

Musings around an Insignificant Birthday

So I turned 47 this year. It’s a kind of ho-hum birthday. And I don’t mean that in a bad way – it’s just one of those in betweens – not a milestone if you like. Earlier in the year, we celebrated the 100th birthday of Aunt “Mert” (or Ellen – don’t ask me). THAT is a milestone! More recently, we gathered to mark her passing – and while Mert will be sorely missed by us all, I count myself lucky in at least two ways, 1) to have known her, and 2) that I get to celebrate another birthday – every day is a gift.

We celebrated it in our traditional way – birthday celebrant gets to choose where we go for dinner to celebrate. This year I chose an old favorite haunt – The Breakfast King, noted in a restaurant award one year as “Best Place to Feel Like an Unpaid Extra in a Tarantino Film”. This is a great old fashioned dive (must check if it has featured on that Food Channel show about Dives). They have great green chile, plates of food that would satiate NFL linemen and my favorite for breakfast, made from scratch corn beef hash (which narrowly beats out the chicken fried steak). The setting alone (next to a seedy strip joint on Santa Fe, a busy road complete with a huge derelict rubber factory, partly demolished behind it) tells you it has to be good – would not have survived this long otherwise.

So why did I choose this for dinner you ask? Well Joy and I stopped in late one night (it’s a 24 hour dive as all the best ones are) and had coffee and pie – which was of course good. We figured one of these days we needed to check it out for dinner. That’s it – no other reason…

But I digress, birthday dinner, and not forgetting the usual enthusiasm of my girls seeing me enjoy opening their gifts which are always thoughtful is not what I initially set out to write about. I had three profound thoughts / experiences surrounding my birthday this year. You may disagree that they are profound – and that’s OK too – you probably wouldn’t choose the BREAKFAST King for birthday DINNER either…

My first thought concerned visiting the doctor. I don’t watch much television, but do enjoy the relatively new show, “Men of a Certain Age” – probably in part because I can relate to it. As an odd coincidence, even as I write this, Brian, a good friend of mine and I are communicating via Facebook chat to organize meeting for breakfast – our “Men of a Certain Age” breakfasts – if you watch the show you’ll know what I mean.

Anyway – as we have established, I am a man of a certain age and while I probably should have started going to the doctor for an annual checkup a year or two (maybe several) ago, I have been avoiding it (typical male… yada yada yada…). I have no particular reason why – my general health seems to be OK, but I guess like many, I’d just as sooner not know if there is something dreadfully wrong – makes no sense at all I know but hey – that’s the way some of us are wired. My dad got onto me a bit this year, having suffered a stroke himself last year – I don’t know if that’s what finally the tipping point was, but I went. And it turns out I have a clean bill of health – in fact – other than my knees and back, most of me is OK for my age – maybe even holding back a year or two.

What was profound to me about this was the amazing sense of relief – or perhaps in a sensory fashion, a great weight was lifted off me. It just felt some incredibly damn good to hear the doc say the words (both in the office, and a week or so later when various lab results came back). It reminded me of the feeling I’ve experienced over and over again with Jesus – just as He says to the woman of poor reputation in Luke’s account of Jesus, “I forgive you sins”, and “Your faith has saved you, go in peace”. Perhaps the most overwhelming sense of freedom has come when at various points, guilt which like an unknown disease holds you back, is recognized for what it is – a big fat lie, and is washed away forever. Forgiveness in Jesus is complete! You don’t have to hang out in the shadows, ashamed of you past – or in some cases, wondering if because of the guilt trip others put on you, you are supposed to be ashamed.

This is grace, fitting perhaps having just celebrated the anniversary of the reformation.

With the arrival of Jesus, the Messiah, that fateful dilemma is resolved. Those who enter into Christ’s being-here-for-us no longer have to live under a continuous, low-lying black cloud. A new power is in operation. The Spirit of life in Christ, like a strong wind, has magnificently cleared the air, freeing you from a fated lifetime of brutal tyranny at the hands of sin and death.
(Romans 8:1, The Message)

My second thought came early on the morning of my birthday. We got our first snowstorm of the year and about the only think that lived up to the hype was that it was a wet heavy snow – somewhat uncharacteristic of the light fluffy powder we so often enjoy in the Rocky Mountains. And although we didn’t get much in terms of snow fall or accumulation, the early season combination of many trees still with leaves and the weight of snow trapped on the branches by those leaves resulted in a lot of power outages in the Denver area.

My musings however came about as a result of comments on the seemingly endless weather updates on the morning news advising to take a broom or something and shake / brush off – whatever really to cause the accumulating snow on tree limbs to fall and prevent the branch from breaking. It occurred to me that this is nature’s way – and like so many other things, we just can’t help ourselves and we have to mess with it. Now I’m not saying you shouldn’t act to prevent your power supply being cut (although those branches are probably out of reach for most of us), but we have learned that many natural disasters are very important to the eco-system. They clean it out – get rid of old, possibly dead or at best dying stuff, which makes way for new.

As it turned out, I had a foot in both camps. I looked at and left alone some limbs on the pine trees out front of my house drooping to the ground under the heavy load and was surprised that they survived. But we have a plum tree out the back which I pruned moderately last winter. It is perhaps more fragile than the pines and looked also like failure was imminent. I quite like that tree – both for its beauty and the shade it affords me on our back deck, so I used a broom to lightly shake several limbs and release quite a pile of snow.

What I don’t know – and now never will, was whether nature felt a need to thin that tree, of just like my muscles in my infrequent trips to the gym, having perhaps survived the load, the branches and tree would in fact be stronger? I wrote recently about how we often try to shelter and protect our children from hurts, both physical and emotional.

Sometimes Holding Them Has to be Enough

That was a tough week – thinking about it still tears me up some, but you know what? My daughter is a stronger person because of what she went through. I’ll take the liberty of sharing her view of it bittersweet.

that happened to me today. only, it all kind of happened at once. I walked away from something important in my life, and it began to rain. but the sun was shining. -Mallory Paige

Oddly, the third thing that impacted me ties both medical visits and my daughter together. Given the snows and general poor conditions out on my actual birthday, after dropping my younger daughter to school with only one minor slip (lesson 1 – don’t downshift hard in a rear wheel drive sports car on snow – but no harm, no foul) I retired to the warmth and comfort of our house purposing to work from the very desk I am now writing. An hour or so passed and I got a call – Mallory was clearly in pain – there’s no mistaking that sound in your child’s voice and it kills you every time. She had spent some time the night before volunteering at a Habitat for Humanity pumpkin patch, which included lugging a lot of pumpkins around. She is tall, and may have inherited some of my structurally imperfect back and to her utter confusion, in the act of standing up to take a paper to the teacher, suffered painful and debilitating back spasms.

As you do when that happens, you drop everything. You become singularly focused on one thing and one thing only – doing whatever it takes to take care of your kid. It was not how I would have ever envisioned spending my 47th birthday. But after we had done some rounds getting x-rays, doctors thorough examination (including a really thorough and patient discussion on the whole situation) and some muscle relaxing medication, it occurred to me that although she was hurting and not her usual chipper self, I was still blessed to spend a good part of my day attending to her and in her company. Of course I am happy to report that a day or two later, everything was back to normal.


I didn't really have a thought on this last item - just a fitting way to close out my birthday week. Dinner date with my bride including a very enjoyable beer - Yeti Oak Aged, from Great Divide. Sláinte...